Shit. How long was it? How many times did I complain that he would ignore me or stay gone and then when I threatened, or he sensed my distance, he would do just enough? Just enough that I questioned myself, just enough that I stayed.

I did realize what was going on. But I would not admit it was really going on. I could not see how to change it. He knocked me down good. He got me to believe I couldn’t make it on my own and played devil’s advocate always. I can’t hold a job, remember? I refuse to work, he told me so.

What I can’t figure out is what parts of me aren’t healthy. What do I have to change?

Step One: I’m getting ready to move. This is happening. I’m truly terrified. I will have to make it. I will be fully severed from my old life and won’t have to see him or his family. I will miss the dogs. I hope my kitty adjusts. This new space will be my own. For the first time in my life I will have my own place. I will be responsible.

His sudden sense of reason looks almost normal. Self, I say, what do you do in times like these? I used to feel. Not so much anymore. Should I worry that his logic is suspicious?

I was a victim.

Oh, come on, you are exaggerating, like you always do. It’s not that big a deal, why are you holding onto that? You always hold grudges…

Well, I choose not to be a victim anymore. I allowed this to happen. Could it have gone any differently? No matter, keep watching, I can make it beautiful.