This is how I became powerful. Just as much my folly as my foe. I can neither repay those closest to me nor those that sought to wreck me. And I don’t regret a single moment. The fear I have is a shadow that I will never be rid of, a past that never was but could’ve been. I’m grateful for what never was but could’ve been. I was someone different then. I can see who I could’ve become, without intervention.

I would’ve escaped hell, you say. How can you not regret? Because I can see who I could’ve become if my path had not been checked. Thank you for besting me at this game. I have no business being here, and I’m good with that. Fucking lucky. Who’s got the best luck? This girl!

It took a million years. Okay, only 42. Hope I got some time to keep on enjoying my bad self. Er, good self. The self I wanted to be, mostly. But we’re never done becoming, are we?

Maybe this powerful self was here always and I couldn’t help but become her. But maybe not. I’m so glad I will never know. The fear is a past unlived, conspiring moments unrealized, lightness unlifted.

When I think about who I could’ve been, the tightrope again! I danced carelessly upon it and never knew. There isn’t reason for everything, I don’t think, which means I have some advantage that can’t be named with surety. Not even a little bit. Why am I who I am right now? A silly li’l fluke of fate, ha! A gamble that may appear to lose. But I know better- you can’t lose what can’t be possessed.