Sometimes, feelings are too scary to read with ease… admitting to deficits in thought is pretty scary, too. I’ve learned a ton since this journal entry, but I’m so happy to have traveled through this place.

This is my madness…

Too quick to worry. I wish I knew what he was thinking. What he was feeling. I wish I knew- that is where my sense of unease comes from. Even when he does not seem fully here, he can still see me. I ask him, “What’s wrong?”, but don’t get an answer. I don’t understand that. So, I question. He says it’s not me that made him upset, but I still want to make him feel better, I want to make him happy. Here’s where I get screwy, I think…

This is too scary, and I react goofy. I pull in toward him and then away, create distance, create a barrier so I don’t have to hurt. I’m so sick of hurting. Am I going to wreck this?

I felt powerless tonight. Wanted more then anything to help him feel better. But I didn’t know how. I wanted to understand, but he didn’t trust me enough yet to share. I don’t operate like that, so it freaked me out. This is a place where I need to be discerning and understanding, both.

He shut me right down, and please, let it just be how he copes. Or because we are new, a not-yet situation. Once upon a time, he said, More!”… how much more? Can I let myself think about that? Can I ask him what he wants his tomorrow to look like?

“What do you want?” I ask.

“Whatever you want”, he replied.

Fine. You know what I want? I want to be in your picture tomorrow. I want to be ***gulp*** serious…