Photo by Vivek Doshi on Unsplash

If I had the energy, I’d do this backwards. But out is where it wants to be, and this is the path of least resistance.

I hate this. I want to be mad, but anger is a secondary emotion. I want to be mad, because then I can pretend it doesn’t hurt. I want to be mad because then I can put a wall between us so I cannot see what I am missing.

My own fault, should not have allowed this to happen. What can I say? This is who I am. I am wanting too much, asking for that which I can’t have. Seems to be my M.O.

But is it true that I “can’t have” the things I’m asking for? Who says?

This pattern I deem a bad mental habit. An unhealthy belief. This is not about him, but he challenges everything I know about what it means to love another… who says I can’t have what I’m after?

“You are powerful.”

This is what he whispered in my ear. This is not about him… yet I may not have grown without him.

Whatever comes of this, whatever lay before us, I can’t say. And maybe it’s too soon, but this I know: I can love him already. I love his presence in my life, his boyish antics, his generosity, his desire to see me strong. I want to love him back the same way. I want to give him what he has given me. I have not felt this before, nor have I ever wanted to give so much of myself to another purely for them. Maybe that will mean something different tomorrow. I hope not, but I’m not going there now.

This is not about him now, except that he is helping me to remember. I am powerful and that is who he sees. He catches me when I’m forgetting, he sets me back upright. Life is not fair, and that’s okay. I am strong today. Life is grand today. I love him today. I love myself, as well.