The Day of the Dead
My mumma passed away a year ago, yesterday. She was not fond of the holiday, but I love Halloween.
I love it still.
I noticed that I ‘ran out of time’ to get even a single pumpkin for carving. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to acknowledge the day.
I tried to think about my mom. I wanted to remember her in better days- out playing with the horses and getting dirty; or getting trounced by her and her husband in a game of Trivial Pursuit on Thanksgiving (seriously, all my siblings and their families put together, and we still couldn’t beat those two!)…
But so much from my own life had been pummeling me in the weeks prior- those memories came rushing back, too. Those memories are not pleasant ones, rarely do I visit them willingly.
I’m not happy that my mother’s death is tangled up with these memories. More so, her death marked the end of a chapter of my life simply by being the last in a series of small disasters, pandemic notwithstanding.
I miss my mom. I miss her according to ‘our way’, though- distant, and that’s okay. I think that makes me weird, but that’s okay, too.
I wish… sure, I wish things could’ve been different. Maybe. Kind-of. But isn’t that a terrifying thought? If things had gone differently, my life today could well be a reflection altered.
My mumma passed away a year ago, yesterday. It marked the ending of an awful time in my life that was wholly unconnected to her.
It also marked a beginning. A lovely, challenging, relieving, crazy, exciting new start!
I can’t not be grateful.
Listen to me talking all in double negatives and being blurry! I think what I’m trying real hard not to say is that I’m grateful for the way things went. I may very well not be here, with you, today.
My mumma passed away a year ago, yesterday. Twice she gave me new life, that’s how I’m going to color this memory of my mother. She didn’t care for the holiday, but I love Halloween still. A day to honor and thank the dead- those that came before us, those that paved the way for us.
Thank you, Mumma. I love you.