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I Accept That You Believe, But I Don’t Understand
What does it feel like to believe in a god?
I’m an atheist. As far as I know, I’ve never believed in a god or gods or higher power of any sort. Don’t get me wrong, when I was 8 or 9, I tried to buy the stories and the religion of my mother, Christianity. I tried to believe because I thought I’d get some answers maybe? Some comfort? I wanted to fit in? I don’t know.
Let’s get my root trauma out of the way, because I hear that could’ve been what turned me off belief of god in the first place, right? That’s what I hear a lot of Christians say- that I’m just mad at their god. According to Christians, my father’s death was actually his being called home to worship at the feet of god forever (which does not sound like heaven to me, but whatever) and gleefully look down upon the sinners as god judges them (which sounds like hell to me… but wait, now I’m really confused).
What I want to understand is HOW can anyone truly believe in God? I want to understand because I wonder what does that feel like? Is it an emotion so big and so encompassing that you don’t even know how to describe it?
See, I’ve got lots of those… moments of feeling that are pregnant with joy and contentment and gratitude. Truly awesome, you know like before that word became diluted slang.