Thank you for sharing! I have a narcissistic ex and he operates covertly which still makes things difficult to this day.

As a mom, for a long time after divorce, I struggled with conflicting thoughts about what I was told I had to do by law- facilitate the relationship between my children and their father. It wasn’t until I got a short-term attorney who told me no, at this point that was not my role anymore. The relationship between my children and their father was theirs to deal with and I don’t have to try and build something that neither side wanted to build. It was up to my teenaged children and their father to do the work. As long as I didn’t actively get in the way, I was legally in the clear (he took me to court for contempt, saying that I withheld our teenaged children from him- I won, without counsel, bc I did no such thing so they couldn’t prove their case).

I can’t tell you how empowered that made me… I was finally able to stay out of it (the ex always blamed his lack of a relationship with them on me, and thus it was my responsibility to fix it, too. But I could never get that right, either, according to him).

My healing had finally begun. I was able to admit to myself that I could not be around him and luckily we had court-ordered third party communication for dealing with the kids and information. The thing is, with teenagers nothing stays hidden, and I’m not sorry to say I told them the truth… “I would love for you to have a relationship with your dad. That’s something you and your dad have to build together. I don’t need to be a part of that. And for my mental and emotional health, I cannot be a part of that”.

It was a put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first kind of time…

We have two kids, a son and a daughter. One chose to forgive and try again, the other chose not to. Both solutions are heartwrenching for me.

They both appear to be doing well. My daughter remains estranged from her father, although she did just make an attempt at reconciliation.

He ignored her entirely. Instead, reiterated how wrong she is.

She snapped and then blocked him again. She told me this- read me her text exchange with him, and then said, “I know I snapped, mom, it’s the only way I know of to get him to stop”.

Wow. I remember that.

She’s going to be 17 in a month. She’s finally thriving all around- she has a job, she’s doing well as a junior in k12 online schooling, and she has a 1000lb animal (we have horses) that she is responsible for. She is happy, knows who she is, and also works hard for what she has.

Who would I be to tell her that her decision is wrong? Her solution is to stay away from the toxic. Mine, too.

This continues to happen with their father. He can’t release his daughter because she is an extension of him, that’s what she is to him.

I can hope, for her sake, that he chooses to grow someday. I hope that she is willing to try a few more times and maybe things will turn out different for them.

But until he’s willing to let her be her own person, it won’t happen.