What a horrible experience that must've been for you. I hope you find daily the peace to move past that pain and go forward in your life. Sometimes, overcoming who our parents are can be a devastating journey.
As for your comment- not sure if it was supposed to be an admonishment but that is how it came across. While I appreciate your warning, I don't need to badmouth my ex- he's made them feel like crap (and keeps doing so) enough times already, even though they love him. But even if nothing bad about their dad ever passed my lips, they would know how I feel. They are smart and cognizant creatures, our young! My children lived with their parents' ugliness for many years before the marriage ended.
But they can also know that their mother is learning and growing every day to become a better version of herself. They get to watch her take accountability for her own actions, to *gasp* say she's sorry, to make mistakes. But they also get to see that those perceived failures are anything but…
There is beauty in failure if you choose to see it that way. That's something I want my kids to know, something I want them to be able to find- despite their parents, if need be. It's not a shallow happiness, but instead a deep joy that they can access for themselves.
I was just about to share a few words here about the instances where my ex has 'shown his colors' to his kids, but then I realized it is not relevant in this reply nor would it serve any useful purpose. What is relevant is that I want my kids to understand the importance and necessity of personal boundaries. How to develop them, set them, and stand by them- and also to re-evaluate them.
Our other child is a daughter. She will not talk to or visit her father. Neither me nor the law nor counseling can get her to go see him or talk to him at the moment. His attempts to contact his daughter ceased months ago. I don't know how to feel about it. I am sad and mad, both.
Each of my children took a different route of relationship with their father after a traumatic few years… one chose reconciliation, the other, estrangement. Both of those decisions have consequences, both have been painful for the decider.
My children know I'm a writer, they know I study emotional intelligence, neuroscience, psychology in general, along with many other things. They see me immersed in my passion daily. If I am not authentic when I write, it matters. And If they choose, they will see the fruits of my labor- in particular, a recounting of our shared experience published in blog-like fashion here on Medium- from a different POV, and they will make their own determinations. My job is to make sure they have the tools and strategies to deal effectively with the emotional fallout of those experiences.
They also know that I do not regret a single day of the life I've lived- not only would I not have them but I would not be the person I am today, discerning and protective of my mental health and emotional well-being. Today is everyday, and today I can choose to show my children love and joy and healing. That does not require me to be held accountable for other people's words or actions (an exercise in futility as well as a glutton for punishment in some circumstances), nor does that require me to voice positive sentiment about any person, no matter who that person may be. So while I may refrain from badmouthing, I will not make excuses for- or speak positively of- the intention of anyone's actions, whether or not that person is the other parent. That may be a result of where I am in my own journey. I may have blinders on in that respect and I may feel differently tomorrow.
That's the modeling I want for my children- to be honest in their journeys and be transparent to themselves as much as they can. To learn- and to practice and develop- how to trust their own skills of critical thinking and 'gut instinct'. To see difficulties and struggle as a challenge, to be discerning about who they invite into their private lives and who they surround themselves with. To know that a meaningful life is made from those challenges, and to know that we choose to be the people we want to be- whether or not we recognize that.
We are not our parents!
Even if there are striking similarities and even though we got half of our genetic makeup from them. We would do well to make that distinction early on, as they are developing their intellectual and emotional maturity.
I want to arm my children with the tools to thrive. To overcome bad parenting if need be- whether it's my bad parenting or their father's. Because we all slip at one time or another- no one is a perfect anything always, right?! And while there is value in loyalty, I want my children to understand that they do not need to become invisible for someone else to be seen.
This is a long-winded commentary and addresses more then you may have wanted or cared for, I know. What it comes down to is that I'm tired of people making excuses for poor behavior because I believe poor behavior excused becomes a weak foundation on which to build strong character. Part of building strong character is understanding that we are not our past nor are we our parents. Holding that belief informs how I parent, indeed, my whole parenting style. Exploring uncomfortable taboo subjects as a matter of course is kinda how I roll, which my teens know all too well. I believe having that experience will stand them in good stead as they travel through their lives, as it has me.
I commented on the original story to share that, I, too, experience unease and judgment due to our cultural shaping around parenting and what it means to "be a good parent".
I happen to disagree with popular sentiment that we should hide our base emotions if they appear as an affront to our children (in the eyes of society)- because they will not know how to navigate when those emotions inevitably visit them. Instead, why not teach them to explore and grow? Why not question the norm? I know plenty of well-adjusted adults who came from 'dysfunctional' backgrounds, and just as many malfunctioning adults who came from carefully calibrated backgrounds.
My role as a parent is to facilitate in my kid's learning and growth. I do that by continuing to learn and grow myself- and what better way to to do that then to question and discuss and explore my own human emotions and actions with others?